Falls Apart
by Sofor
Summary: Finished at last ! The stress is getting to Rachel...


centerb FALLS APART/b/center  
  
  
  
bRachel/b  
  
I demorphed slowly, feeling my wounds healed and the wave of exhaustion that made me tremble and nearly fall over. Marco mechanically put out a hand as if to help steady me. I shoved it away and looked at the others. All staring at me. Silent. Grim.  
  
"How can you all stare at me like that ?" I hissed. "I had to. Those Controllers saw us morphing. They knew. They iknew/i. If I didn't.. kill them, we'd all be Controllers in a day. So how can you blame me ?"  
  
Everyone was silent, except for Jake. Our 'fearless leader.' The one who had been too scared to make the right choice. He had been too frightened to do what had to be done. And now he looked at me with dark, unreadable eyes. Ever since I had tried to kill David, he knew that I would do whatever was necessary to win, but he was still constantly surprised at my viciousness. He used me for his dirty work, so his conscience could be easy, and mine could be stained with the blood of our enemies. I hated him for it.  
  
"We're not blaming you, Rachel," he began wearily. "You're right, you did what had to be done. We're worried about you. You can't..." His voice faltered and Cassie slipped her hand into his. He looked at her, drawing comfort, and continued, his voice getting stronger, burning his words into my soul.  
  
"You can't kill that many people and not have it affect you. You're falling apart, Rachel......"  
  
Marco cut in. "Either that, or you're an out of control killing machine, iXena/i." He spat out the last word with contempt.  
  
Marco ! Tobias said, shocked. How can you say that? She did what was necessary! She saved our lives!  
  
"Yeah, of course you'd stick up for her!" Marco snarled back. "What a pair the two of you make. You kill to eat, and she kills for fun. I guess murder isn't a big thing for you, is it? Well, it is for us humans, anyway. iMost/i of us." he finished hatefully, staring at me.  
  
In a flash, Ax's tail blade was at his throat. After all that Rachel and Tobias have done for you, you attack them? Perhaps it is you, Marco, that is troubled. he stated flatly.  
  
"Ax! Marco!" Cassie let go of Jake and tried to get in between them. "That was rough, for all of us. Don't take it out on each other. We're all scared."  
  
Ax slowly removed his tail blade. But Marco wasn't finished with me, and took the opportunity to continue. "Yeah, look at Rachel over there, weeping uncontrollably." He jerked his thumb to where I was sitting on a bale of hay. "She doesn't even care about all those people she just murdered!"  
  
Suddenly it was too much. I couldn't take it anymore, any of it. Jake's diplomacy and Cassie's 'understanding', Marco's vicious attacks and Tobias' defense, and Ax's calm fury. I couldn't stand it. I turned away and ran into the night. I had to get away. I morphed as fast as I could, thinking of nothing but escape from the accusing stares of my friends.  
  
i  
She falls apart br  
By herself br  
No one there to talk or understand /i  
  
I felt tears begin to run down my cheeks. I'm Rachel. A warrior. A hero, I reminded myself. iA murderer/i, whispered some portion of my conscience. I would have burst into tears, but by then I was finished morphing, and owls can't cry. I spread my wings, flapping madly, trying to get away, but with my increased hearing I could still hear what was going on inside Cassie's barn.  
  
"...just gutted them, one after another. No remorse. You're telling me she's   
isorry /i??" Marco demanded.  
  
Then I heard and saw Tobias fly out of the barn. The hell with you all, I'm going to find her. Rachel ? Rachel ??  
  
Normally, Tobias would be able to find me in seconds. But it was night and I was the owl. Silent and invisible. I slipped away and flew into the night, my heart slowly breaking, leaving him to search for me.  
  
Rachel !  
  
i  
Feels the sting br   
Dries her eyes br  
Finds herself, opens the door and sighs /i  
  
I flew for over an hour, not caring where I was going. I only listened to the cries of those people as I tore into them. The screams of agony and the pleading; would it never go away? Is this what Erek had to deal with? It was driving me insane. Finally, exhausted and running low on morph time, I looked for a place to land. I saw that I was in the mountains, near the lake where we had destroyed the Yeerk truck ship. It seemed so long ago... I was a different girl then. I wasn't hardened and psychotic. iThat/i me would never have dreamed of murdering so many people. Or would I? That nagging little part of my conscience kept telling me, i yes, Rachel, you would have. You love the war, don't you? It makes you feel strong... /i  
  
Shut up! I begged. I flew inside the cave that we had used so long ago. And demorphed. As my feathers sucked back into my skin and my eyes dimmed, I was even more tired than before. Not thinking about anything, I threw myself to the ground. The same ground where Tobias and I had stood, after all the others were in the lake, waiting for another suicidal attack on the unstoppable Yeerks.  
  
I couldn't stop my mind from racing. Us sneaking into the Yeerk pool as moles, down that same tunnel, trying to free my sister, Sara. We had seen her being dragged down the GAP entrance by some Controller. Her crying had made me furious and scared, reckless. We started to morph battle morphs to save her, and a group of human Controllers saw us. I immediately killed them; there was no time to waste. Sara had been knocked out by a Dracon Beam. We fought our way out and left my little sister in my backyard. Then we went back to Cassie's barn. I had been too scared for my little sister to dwell on what I had done. But now, everything came rushing back to me. Everything. Our only piece of luck was that Visser Three hadn't been there, or else we would have been dead. Yeah, lucky.  
  
Finally, exhausted from crying, I laid down and fell asleep.  
  
  
  
bCassie/b  
  
I was frantic. Tobias had left over an hour ago to find Rachel, and he had just returned. He pointedly avoided looking at Marco and Jake, focusing on Ax and I.  
  
She's gone. He said wearily. I flew all over. She's not home, and I couldn't find her anywhere.  
  
I started crying. Strangely enough, it was Ax that came over to me.   
  
Do not be frightened, Cassie. he advised softly. We will find Rachel. I assume that she will have to return home soon anyway. After all, is there not school tommorow?  
  
Well, ithat/i stopped me from crying. "Oh my God!" I whimpered. "We have school, and Sarah's hurt...... where is she??"  
  
Well, Ax and I will be looking for her tomorrow, Tobias stated. You should go to school and act normally. I thought it was strange that he was making the plans. That was Jake's job. Jake! I cursed myself for my stupidity. Jake would be blaming himself for Rachel's disappearing act, and we had all dismissed him. Forgotten about him in our concern for Rachel. I would have to talk to him... but later, after we figured out what to do.  
  
"Well, someone has to go get the Chee, because I'm looking for her too." I said. "It only makes sense. We'll be acting preoccupied in school tomorrow, and we don't need to attract attention. I'd be too worried about her to concentrate on history or whatever, anyway."  
  
"That's a good idea," said Erek as he stepped through the door. "I heard about the fight in the Yeerk pool, and I thought you might be here. Who would like us to cover for them tomorrow?" His confident voice brought strength to the room. But then I could see his holographic face change to look confused. I tried to see the barn from his eyes. Jake and Marco were sitting far away from each other and hadn't even looked up, Ax was by my side, Tobias wouldn't look at Jake or Marco, and I still had tears running down my cheeks. And, of course, Rachel was missing.  
  
"Well, thanks Erek, that'll be great," said Jake unemotionally. "I think all of us will need substitutes. Now, if you'll excuse me....." he practically ran from the barn. I wanted to follow him, but Rachel was the priority right now. I tried to think of where she might be. I knew that the mall was out; Rachel didn't like to show strong emotion in public. She thought it could be a sign of weakness. She was a private sort of person, and despite what Marco thought, I knew the aftermath of her violence was tearing her apart. She was deeply hurt by the constant accusations of loving the war, and hated the violent warrior that she had become. She wouldn't go home, despite the fact that Sara was there. I knew that Rachel couldn't bear to see her little sister hurt, and would blame herself for everything. My mind was coming up blank. "I.... don't know where she is." I said quietly. All of my emotions and exhaustion were overwhelming me and I suddenly swayed, almost falling over.   
  
"Okay, guys, I'll help Cassie. You should go home and get some rest." said Erek. My parents weren't home, so I just let Erek lead me up the stairs to my bed. I fell on it, exhausted. Five hours ago we were just at the mall, together, when we saw a known Controller pulling Sarah towards the GAP entrance to the Yeerk pool. Now, we were fighting each other, Rachel was missing, and I didn't know what to do. I saw Tobias fly past my window.   
  
Good night, Cassie. Try to get some rest. I'll find her.  
  
I fell into unconsciousness. But my last thought was, i what if you don't want to be found, Rachel?   
  
People see right through you br  
Everyone who knew you well br  
Falls apart br  
Might as well br  
Day is long and nothing is wasted br /i  
  
  
  
bTobias/b  
  
My mind was spinning. Rachel! I couldn't believe what Marco had said to her. I saw the look in her eyes as he attacked her, it was like she had been slapped. I saw her, trying so hard not to cry. Rachel doesn't cry. Ever. She ran away, and Jake told me to give her some time to herself. He thought she was just upset. i You just don't understand, do you, Jake? She's not just a warrior, she's a girl who was scared for her little sister, and you don't understand why she did... what she did? Wouldn't you have done the same for Tom? /i  
  
I flew back to her house and checked again. I perched outside Rachel's window, on the birdhouse that she had nailed there for me. I looked into her room. I half expected her to pull the window open and invite me in, whispering so she wouldn't wake her family. Tease me about keeping her awake. But she wasn't there, her room was empty. I went to fly away, but I heard voices in the room next door.   
  
I looked throught the window and saw Rachel's mom looking at Sara. "I don't know, mom, I don't remember what happened. My head hurts. When's dinner? Can I watch TV?" she asked with all the innocence of a five year old. Her mother had come home to find her youngest daughter laying on the ground underneath the swing set. Rachel had protested, had wanted to take her inside. It was Marco that came up with the 'brilliant' idea of leaving her outside and looking like she fell off the swings. I wondered about Marco, too. Where had his anger and hatred come from? He should have understood; his mother was Visser One, and he had put us all in danger several times trying to save her. Was that what he hated? His weakness? Must be. He admired Rachel because she was strong, and when he saw her acting like him, he had lashed out. It was himself that he was mad at. But then, why had he attacked me too?  
  
I saw 'Rachel' walk in the door. "Hi mom !" she said cheerfully. "Sorry I'm late, I was at the mall with Melissa. Want help with dinner ?"  
  
I turned away and flew into the night. I knew that the Chee were only trying to help, but it made me furious, the deception. Rachel's mother thought that one daughter had fallen off the swings, and the other had been at the mall. But Sara had almost been made a Controller, and Rachel was somewhere by herself, left to relive her violent actions and their consequences. The lies made me sick.  
  
I felt so guilty as I flew off. If I hadn't listened to Jake and had gone after Rachel right away, this wouldn't be happening! I could have just held her, let her cry, away from the others. Tried to comfort her and give her the same support she'd given me, countless times. Now she probably thought that I agreed with the others, because I hadn't tried to come after her.  
  
I mentally shook my head. That didn't matter. I was going to find her, I didn't care how long it took. I continued flying into the night.  
  
i  
Run away, run away br  
Wanna hold onto you but you're going away br  
Run away, run awaybr  
Wanna hold you tomorrow but you're leaving today br /i  
  
  
  
bRachel/b  
  
I woke up, suddenly. "Tobias?" I asked. Expecting him to be perched on my desk like he was some mornings, apologizing for waking me. Helping me with homework and maybe going for a quick flight before I had to leave for school. But that was stupid. As soon as I saw the walls of the cave I remembered everything. I had been woken by the scream of a hawk because I was in the mountains. I remembered where I was, what I had done, and I felt my stomach churn. "Oh, God............."  
  
After I finished being sick, I peered out of the bushes. The sun was just rising, and it was still gray out. I remembered the last time I had left this cave. I was a trout and Tobias was flying me out to the lake. We were almost found by a Hork-Bajir and a human-Controller. But Tobias had destroyed the truck ship, and the Yeerks probably saw no reason to come back here. No need to be afraid. iBecause if anyone sees you you'll kill them, just like those others... /i  
  
I walked down to the edge of the water and washed my face. I paused when I saw my reflection. How many times had I been told that I looked like some blonde mall-crawling airhead? I had always hated hearing that. Yet, wouldn't that be better than what I actually was? My looks disguised a killer, a psycho. Maybe Marco was right. I could have knocked the controllers out, but I had been too preoccupied to even think about it. Was it worth it to save one person? iYes. She's your little sister, you'll do anything for her./i Well, at least I was honest.  
  
Suddenly I felt so alone. I've always been a private sort of person, and I don't like to cry in front of other people. Don't like to cry, ever, actually. But suddenly all I wanted in the world was to be crying my eyes out, with my mother, Cassie, or.... Tobias. Oh God! He had come after me, he'd stuck up for me, and I had just left him there! What did he think of me? He must think I'm a nutcase. iTobias, I'm sorry. I just... I just couldn't let you see me like that. I'm so ashamed.../i Ashamed? That didn't sound like me at all. Was I finally going insane? Or have I been insane for a long time? Maybe I made up the Yeerks, everything, I imagined the whole war. Or maybe this is a dream. Yeah, this has to be a dream, because it's just too crazy to believe. I've probably just dozed off, and everything since we met Elfangor has just been some crazy nightmare. What was I doing the night before that, when I was still a normal girl? I tried to remember, but I couldn't. The person I could see in my mind just wasn't me. I didn't know her anymore. Sighing, I got up and walked back to the cave.  
  
iWhat's happening to me? Of course this isn't a dream, how could it be? The girl you used to be would never dream up something this sick. This has to be reality. It is. So the others are real, and they're probably worried about you. You should go back... /i  
  
I shook my head. Okay, this was reality. Big deal. That was supposed to make me feel better? So instead of being insane, or dreaming, I'm a murderer. Great.  
  
I thought about that last bit. Were the others worried? Should I go back? I looked up at the trees. "Well?" I asked. "Would they want me to come back? Or are they happy I'm gone?"  
  
iYou walk alone br  
By yourself br  
There's no sound, nothing is changing /i  
  
I shook my head. They all had their problems and didn't need to deal with another murderer like David had been. Jake - God, he was in charge of them all. He was probably going to have a heart attack or something someday, if the Yeerks didn't kill him first. And he had Tom to deal with, what would it be like to worry about destroying your own brother? Then, didn't he understand what I did? I was trying to save Sarah. He should have understood. I guess he just didn't care. Typical Jake; always the hypocrite. Jake didn't want to deal with a cousin who was turning into a homicidal, psychotic maniac. He had enough to deal with without worrying about me.  
  
Cassie was my best friend, but I saw the way she would look at me lately. Whenever I said, "Let's do it," she'd get this sad look in her eyes. Maybe she couldn't believe that her best friend, the one who always tried to drag her shopping, could be capable of such violence. I nearly always voted to do something to hurt the Yeerks, regardless of the moral consequences, but Cassie always tried to do the right thing. Me, I think she's sort of in denial, you know? The Yeerks invaded us, and she's worried about killing some to save her own planet? I knew she'd understand what I was going through - she's probably relived every death that she caused, over and over. Punishing herself. Wondering if there was something she could have done differently. But for some reason, I didn't think she'd really see it from my point of view. It seemed like she was growing more and more distant. After every battle, she looked at me like she didn't recognize me anymore. Like I wasn't the same person. I knew she was worried about me. But I couldn't unload my problems on her. Would she even understand?  
  
Marco, I didn't even really consider. We've never gotten along. I don't understand why. We're both ruthless, and we worry about getting the job done, regardless of the moral implications. He just... bothers me. Whining about how he wants to quit the war, and then he never does. He knows that what we're doing is important, so he stays. I think we fight with each other because it's expected of us. We've been typecast, just like Ax and Jake fighting over calling him 'Prince.' It's routine. Something we can cling to. Most of the time, I have no problem with Marco. In fact, I envy him, because I can't complain about being scared like he can. And that always gets me into trouble, like when we were digging that tunnel down to the Yeerk Pool. I just can't give up or admit I'm scared, no matter what. But for some reason Marco had totally gone off on me yesterday. I didn't understand why. He'd killed just as many people as me, in the long run, so what right did he have to judge me? Just thinking about him made me furious. I figured he wouldn't really care if I disappeared.  
  
Ax really surprised me last night, sticking up for me. In some small way, he even went against his 'Prince' to defend me. Why? Because he knows how important families are? He is bound by honour to avenge his brother Elfangor's death by killing Visser Three. So maybe he understands, how I could just disregard everything in order to save my sister. And he'd probably want me back so I could help him fight Yeerks. We weren't close, he just knew I was a warrior, that was all. But I didn't know him very well. And I'd probably talk about my problems with Marco before I went to him. So that was 4 of my closest friends in the world who didn't feel like having me come back, or had something to gain by my 'disappearance.'  
  
But Tobias... I knew he would be terribly upset. I knew I had hurt him by running away from him. I was his closest friend, except Ax. In a lot of ways, we are his only real friends in the universe. Literally. And I knew he loved me. He'd proven that, time and again. He would understand, I was sure of it. And he'd gone through this before. He couldn't stand killing, and he took off. I still remember the pain and worry it caused me. I could barely sleep the whole time he was missing. Just the thought that he might have been dead had felt like my heart was being ripped out. But there was one big difference; I had killed a bunch of human-Controllers, and he had killed a mouse. To eat. There was really no comparison. Marco thought Tobias was a killer because he ate rodents to survive? Then what did that make me? Besides, he was always putting himself in danger to protect me. I wouldn't be able to stand the guilt if something happened to him because of me. I couldn't go back, for his sake. It was for his own good, in the long run.  
  
So it was settled, then. I wouldn't go back. After all that the Animorphs had done for me, I couldn't burden them with my problems any more. They wouldn't understand. I didn't know where I would go, but I figured I'd stay here a few days to decide. I knew I should go now, before I started second-guessing myself, but how could I do it? How do runaways just leave behind everything and everyone they've ever known or cared about? I guess that was my weakness. I would leave soon. And I couldn't say goodbye to anyone. They'd try to get me to stay, and I couldn't have that. I just didn't belong with them anymore.  
  
i  
They've gone awaybr  
Left you therebr  
Emptiness is nothing you can share/i   
  
  
  
bTobias/b  
  
It was almost 5 in the morning, and I hadn't gotten anywhere in my search for Rachel. Ax was still in the forest, and I thought we needed help. I talked to Erek, he was going down to the Yeerk Pool to make sure that Rachel hadn't been captured. But we needed to find her, and Ax and I weren't making any progress.   
  
I went to Jake's house first. I made sure that Tom was asleep before I flew through Jake's window. Just wouldn't do if he saw a big bird landing in his brother's room like nothing was out of the ordinary. It had already been a terrible 12 hours or so. I didn't think a quick dip in the Yeerk pool was going to improve it.  
  
I perched on Jake's nightstand, and whispered to him, trying to wake him up. Jake. Jake. Jake ? iThe hell with it/i, I thought. I was tired and cold and hungry and worried, so I just pecked him on the head. Wake UP!  
  
"Ouch! Whaaa..." Jake cried as he jumped up in bed. Then he saw me and lay down again. "Tobias, that hurt like hell! What's your problem? Find Rachel yet?"  
  
I couldn't believe this was Jake, our leader, who always took everyone's feelings into consideration before making a decision. I was mad at him, furious even. That was my excuse, I guess.  
  
Excuse me? That's all you have to say? May I remind you that this is at least partially your fault? If you hadn't told me to wait I could have stopped her! Now she's disappeared! I said acidly.  
  
"Oh God..." Jake hung his head for a moment. I thought that he was feeling inconvenienced or something, and I sure had better things to do than sit there and listen to him complain.  
  
Well, I have to go find your cousin. iSome/i people actually care that she might be dead or a Controller, or maybe just alone and scared and upset. But, I guess it's not your problem, is it? I hopped over to his window. I remembered another night I had flown to his room and perched there. It was the night I had been trapped in morph. I couldn't believe how much the both of us had changed. See you around, Jake.  
  
"Tobias... wait." Jake whispered. I turned around slowly and saw the look on his face. His eyes were hollow, and it looked like he had just been hit with a Mack truck. "I never meant for this to happen, Tobias. I'm so sorry..."   
  
I was alarmed. It looked like Jake was about to cry. Jake had the tough-leader thing going on, tried never to cry or be scared, in case he hurt our morale or something stupid like that. This wasn't like him at all. I felt badly that I had kicked him when he was obviously down, but I had been more than a little preoccupied.  
  
Look, man, Ax is in the forest. He and I have been searching all night. No luck. Go get Cassie, okay? I'll deal with Marco. Your Chee will be here soon.  
  
Jake just nodded and started to morph his peregrine falcon. No energy or emotion at all. It looked like he was just doing what he was told. I finally understood. I had thought that he didn't care about what had happened to Rachel. But in reality, he felt so guilty he could barely speak.  
  
I launched myself out of his window towards Marco's house. Oh, and Jake? It's not your fault. We're all in this together. We'll find her.  
  
Thanks, Tobias.  
  
I flapped over to Marco's house and couldn't believe that his window was shut. Everyone keeps their windows open in case of an emergency. It was almost like he had taped a sign to the side of his house. 'Not my problem, don't want to be bothered.'  
  
It made me mad. Of all of us, he was the only one who had openly attacked Rachel. And he didn't seem to care. I noticed that he was in his bed, but his eyes were open, staring at the ceiling. Oh God, not another heart to heart. I didn't have the time or the patience for this. iAnd yet, wasn't that exactly the attitude I was condemning him for?/i  
  
Marco, I know that you're awake, so open your window. He shook his head, still looking at the ceiling. I think that if it would help, he would have plugged his ears, rolled over, and gone back to sleep. Fortunately, you can't block out thought-speak.  
  
All right then. If you're going to act like a little kid, I'll treat you like one. I winced. For someone who had never really had a family, I sure sounded like a parent. iOkay, Tobias, calm and don't blame him. Remember Jake. If you can't think of something good to say, just keep your stupid beak shut./i  
  
After a minute or so of searching for the right words, I was tired of diplomacy. I was worried sick about the girl I loved and I didn't feel like being all tender with this excuse for a human being.  
  
Screw it. You know what your problem is, Marco? You only worry about yourself, about your own problems. You'd think that you would understand what Rachel did. I mean, you weren't exactly worried about Ax and me when we were spying on your mom, were you ? All you were worrying about was your family. Don't you realize how we've tried to help you out with your mom's situation? Rachel fights with you all the time, and yet she tried so hard to help your mom. Why? Because it was important to her? Because it was going to affect the war that much? Or maybe because a friend, someone that she cared about, needed help. And this is how you repay her? I don't know why you attacked me tonight, Marco. I don't know what problems you've had with me from the beginning. Maybe because I talked Jake into fighting this war, and you felt like you had to watch his back. Fine. But I've never done anything to you, and I don't need your self-indulgent crap. Rachel and you fight a lot, but I think you both admire each other. She wishes she could deal with her problems as easily as you, and you wish you were as brave as her. But she's never done anything but back you up, man, and you kicked her while she was down. Did you even see her face when you said those things? You ever seen Rachel cry? I barely have, and I'm a lot closer to her than you. She needed our help and support, and she got judgements and attacks. That's why she left. She trusted us to understand her, and we all betrayed her. You most of all. I don't know what your problem is, and I don't care. But you will get out of bed right now, and you will help us find Rachel, because she would do the same for you. Got it?   
  
I waited to see what would happen. I knew if that didn't work, nothing would. I would have smiled, if I could have, when Marco opened the window and an osprey flew out.  
  
Excellent. I can see how Cassie gets used to this. Jake is at Cassie's, Ax is in the forest. You check out the town. Meet back in the barn at noon. Whether or not you've found her.  
  
iWho knows if we'll ever find her,/i I added silently. I didn't think I'd said it out loud until Marco responded.  
  
Don't worry, man, I'll do my best. We'll get her back.  
  
I didn't say anything, but angled towards the Hork-Bajir valley. We might need more help.  
  
iAll those words that hurt youbr  
More than you would let it showbr  
Comes apart by yourselfbr  
Day is long and everything's wasted/i  
  
  
  
bJake/b  
  
I flew towards Cassie's house. I still felt terribly guilty, but Tobias had finally figured out that I wasn't some monster, and that helped a lot. He was a good friend. Now I needed to concentrate on the matter at hand and forget about my depression. iEasier said than done, Jake. It's still your fault. Your responsibility. Your cousins. God, do all of the others talk to themselves ? Maybe the stress is finally getting to you, man. Maybe Marco was right. It is insane to think we can win against the Yeerks. /i  
  
I snapped out of my mood only because I was at Cassie's house. I perched in the tree by her window for a second. I loved watching her sleep. She looked so beautiful. I didn't want to wake her. At that moment, I wasn't even worried about the Yeerks infesting humanity. I was angry at them because we didn't get to have a childhood. We never got to have anything that approached normalcy in our lives. iThought the peregrine falcon perched outside his girlfriend's house at 5:30 in the morning, about to tell her to turn into an osprey to look for her missing best friend who just killed a bunch of people under the control of brain-stealing aliens.... Sigh./i   
  
Cassie? Cassie, wake up. We have to go find Rachel. Tobias and Ax haven't found her.  
  
She woke up, stretched, and looked at me through the window. And something as simple as her smile was enough to make my heart beat faster. God, I loved her.  
  
Cassie quickly morphed to osprey. She was about to leave when her door started to swing open. Cass quickly talon-walked behind her bed. What do I do, Jake? I don't have time to demorph!p  
  
I saw the person pause in the doorway and look around the room. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. Chill, Cassie, it's just your Chee.p  
  
Oh. Thanks for covering for me, she said silently. And then she flew through the window and joined me in the tree.  
  
Morning, Cassie. Did you get any sleep?  
  
Not really, I was too worried. I bet I looked really awful, huh?  
  
Cassie, you'll always be beautiful.p  
  
I love you, Jake.p  
  
I love you too, Cassie.p  
  
And we perched on the branch, together. I felt I could stay there forever. But all of a sudden I remembered what we were supposed to be doing. I completely forgot! I'm such an idiot!  
  
We have to go look for Rachel. I'll be over by the school, I said shortly as I launched myself off of the branch. What right did I have to be talking with Cassie when I promised Tobias I'd look for Rachel? What right did I have to be safe when she was alone and scared? What right did I have to be happy?  
  
Jake, wait. Don't be an idiot. It's not your fault.  
  
I don't know what you're talking about. I thought about just flying away from her. I didn't feel like I could face her. My bird morph was faster than hers, but that wouldn't be right, or fair to Cassie. She was only trying to help.p  
  
I know you've been blaming yourself. There was nothing you could have done. Rachel chose her actions, and it wasn't your responsibility. Now, can you stop being so depressed and quiet? If you have something to say, then say it. You know I'll always listen.  
  
Cassie, don't you remember what I told you about being a leader? If you're scared, or upset, you don't show it. It hurts the people you're supposed to be helping. Look what's happened. If I was in control, we could have found her by now! Whatever my problem is, it's mine alone! I'm the leader, fine. That means that I don't dump my problems on others. I deal with them myself. i God, that's probably what Rachel was thinking too./i  
  
Now you listen to me, Jake, Cassie said, sounding angry. You've always said that you didn't want to be leader. That we chose you. You shouldn't have to deal with this by yourself. If you have a problem, it affects everyone anyway. So you might as well admit it, and let someone help you. You can talk to any of us, you know. We all respect you, and that's not going to change because you admit you're scared or guilty. I want to help you, but I don't think you want help. It's inot your fault/i. Rachel was the one that couldn't deal with it. Okay ?p  
  
That's awfully harsh, Cassie. I replied, surprised. I thought that Cassie would be a little more... gentle. I don't know. But didn't she have a right to vent her frustrations too?p  
  
Well, it's true. You think I don't care when I kill someone? It affects all of us. Rachel should know that running away wouldn't solve anything. We are her friends, and we can help her. She'll just get worse on her own. That's why we have to find her as soon as possible, before she does something stupid. She may be my best friend, but she doesn't deal with her problems well at all. Never has. I'm tired of everyone blaming themselves for everything that happens. We all make our own choices and we're responsible for the outcome. No one else. Got it? That's what I tell myself, all the time.p  
  
Does it work?  
  
Hell no. But that's what ishould/i happen. But we're human, and we care about what happens to our friends. The Yeerks may see it as a weakness. I think it's one of our greatest strengths. So let's find Rachel.  
  
Cassie, how do you know all this stuff?  
  
How do you know how to lead and call the shots? How does Marco know how to make jokes ? How does Ax know how to act superior? It's just who I am. It's what I do best. And right now, I'm tired and scared and worried and babbling, so let's get down to business.  
  
Yes Ma'am! I said, but it wasn't really a joking matter. I understood what she had been trying to say, I finally understood. I couldn't control anyone's actions, but I could control my reactions to them. I could do that. My dark mood lifted a little more. Just talking to Cassie always did that. She had this power to calm me and make me feel better. Silently, we flew over the town.  
  
iSometimes I feel aroundbr  
It scares me so I can't be downbr  
All this time to be on my own/ip  
  
  
  
bTobias/b  
  
Well, I had gotten everyone up. I'd helped Jake and Marco, and I had had a talk with Ax during the night while we were searching. Basically, he had tried to make me feel better. The Andalite way.   
  
Do not worry, Tobias. I am certain that Rachel would not have been captured yet.  
  
I missed Rachel. When I was upset, or whatever, I talked to her. No offense to the Ax-man, he's my ishorm/i, my best friend, and my uncle, but he just doesn't know how to talk to people sometimes. At least he wasn't in human morph at the time, I think that would have been even worse. "Do not worry, Tobias, Toe-bye-us, us, I am certain, sur, sursursurTAN that Rachel has not been captured yet. Ye - t." Yeesh.  
  
So everyone else was feeling better, and I was still feeling like I couldn't breathe. Like, if I didn't see Rachel soon, I'd just die. Was this how Rachel felt when I ran away?  
  
I shook off my thoughts and concentrated on the tiny crack in the mountain wall that pointed the way to the Hork-Bajir valley. I flapped down to the little clearing in front of the caves. Sure enough, Toby, Jara Hamee, Ket Halpek, and a sizeable group of Hork-Bajir were there waiting for me. I don't know how she does it. Maybe Toby is telepathic or something, but she always seems to know when we're coming.  
  
"Friend Tobias! Friend Tobias need help?"  
  
Hi, Ket. Yes, I do need help. Toby, Rachel is... missing. The Animorphs are searching, but we haven't found her yet. Could you send out a search party?  
  
"Of course, Tobias. Could I speak to you alone for a moment?"  
  
I perched on her arm, and we walked over towards the caves. She looked at me intently for several minutes. Toby has eyes that can look right through you like x-rays.  
  
Finally, she spoke. "There is something you are not telling me, Tobias. I do not mean to pry, but I would like to know the whole story."  
  
Toby, I'm... sorry. I've been up for 24 hours and I'm just worried about Rachel. Her little sister was being taken down to the Yeerk pool, and we all went to save her. A bunch of human-Controllers saw us morphing, and Rachel killed them. When we got back to the barn, there was kind of a fight. Marco accused her of some pretty awful things, and she ran away. We're really worried.  
  
"I understand. It's hard to kill other beings. Sometimes it is harder to be the one that survives."  
  
Thanks, Toby, I knew you'd understand.  
  
"I believe we told you already that we would give anything you asked. We owe you our lives. Our freedom. Anything we can do to for you, we will. Always."  
  
I felt a little better. The Hork-Bajir always have that effect on me. How can you see such friendship, kindness, gratitude and decency, and not feel better?  
  
I flew away, feeling a faint twinge of... I don't know. Deja vu? This was what had happened with me, I'd run away. But no Animorphs searched for me, no Chee or Hork-Bajir to help. And I'd come back eventually. But, I knew Rachel pretty well. She thought that she'd be burdening us with her problems. There was a good chance that she didn't plan on coming back. The mere thought of losing her sent white-hot knives of panic through my body. I couldn't bear to lose her. She was my everything. My strength, my friend, my love.  
  
I wasn't even thinking about where I was flying, but suddenly I noticed. I was near the lake where we attacked the Yeerk truck ship. And suddenly I veered over the lake and landed in the trees. I needed a second to think, to calm down. As I watched the light reflecting off the surface of the water, I remembered; this was where I first told Rachel that I loved her. No, that wasn't true. I didn't have the courage to actually tell her. But she knew what I was trying to say, just the same.p  
  
iRachel ... I never told you... You didn't have to, Tobias. I knew. Good-bye./ip  
  
I ruffled my feathers and looked around. I could still remember everything from that day. I was scared and upset and alone. My friends were asking me to kill them instead of letting them be taken alive. I didn't even plan on saying what I had. All my life, no one had ever loved me. I sort of thought that love was weakness, that it would lead to pain and unhappiness. I was wrong. Love iis/i strength.  
  
Rachel? I know you're not out there, but I don't have anyone else to talk to... Don't leave me, Rachel. I love you, I always have. I need you, and I can't imagine not having you in my life. You're the only thing that keeps me sane, sometimes. You said I'd never be lost if I had you and the others . . . well, I will be lost if I don't have you.  
  
I sighed. iSee how lost I am?/i I added bitterly. iI'm in the woods, by myself, talking to myself. I'm so stupid. Why would she come here? I have to go and find her before something happens to her. I don't know where to look! Oh, Rachel, where are you?/i  
  
I was just about to fly away when the bushes rustled to my left. I tensed up, wondering whether it was something I'd have to fight. A Yeerk, a hunter, or even just an animal. But it was none of these things. It was a tall, beautiful girl with blonde hair and glittering blue eyes. Wearing a torn black spandex outfit. Barefoot.  
  
"Tobias?"  
  
  
iIn is out to be againbr  
This time will waste another friendbr  
I know where, know where they'llbr  
Know where they'll run away/i  
  
  
  
bRachel/b  
  
I was hungry. Looking for food. I thought about using my bald eagle morph to catch a fish. No! That's what had happened to Tobias. I was not going to lose myself in some morph. I'd just keep looking.  
  
After an hour or so, the idea was looking better than ever. I've never been one of those fools who skips meals because they think they're too fat or whatever. Even before I was an Animorph, I was a gymnast. That takes a lot of energy. I always ate at least three meals a day. And I hadn't eaten since yesterday afternoon in the food court.  
  
So I was on my knees in the stupid bushes, looking for berries or something. The branches tore at my morphing outfit. And my feet were sore. iGreat. Just great. If I'm going to run away, I just might need clothes and shoes. And some money. Food would be nice, too. Maybe I'll drop by my house before I leave to get some. But that means I can't travel in morph.../i  
  
I was lost in my thoughts (and still in the stupid bush) when I heard a fluttering of feathers above me. A red-tailed hawk landed on a branch and sat there, looking over the lake. Perfectly normal hawk behaviour. But I knew this particular hawk too well to be fooled. It was Tobias.  
  
I froze. Part of me was begging to show myself. To talk to him, to make him understand! But another part of my mind was reminding me of the decisions I had made. iRemember, you're leaving partly for his own good... you can't be weak now. You really want to go back and face the others? You want to go back to the damn war, and all the killing and the lies?/i  
  
My heart and my mind were fighting each other, and I felt like I was being torn in two. I felt like I had been split into my two halves again, Mean Rachel and Wimp Rachel. My internal debate was interrupted by the sound of Tobias' thoughtspeech. For months, that was the only human thing about him. Well, that and his heart, and mind, and soul. To me, it doesn't matter what body Tobias is in. To me, he'll always be just Tobias.  
  
Rachel? I know you're not out there, but I don't have anyone to talk to... Don't leave me, Rachel. I love you, I always have. I need you. I can't imagine not having you in my life. You're the only thing that keeps me sane, sometimes. You said I'd never be lost if I had you and the others . . . well, I will be lost if I don't have you.  
  
My eyes filled with tears. That was exactly what I had felt when he ran away. It was nothing I didn't already know, of course. But to hear him say it ...  
  
I didn't think anymore. I just stepped out of the bushes and looked up at him. "Tobias?"  
  
I saw his hawk eyes widen and he flapped for a second, controlling his hawk instincts. I guess I had startled him.  
  
He just dropped from the tree and morphed to human as fast as he could. When he was finished, he didn't say anything, he just pulled me into an embrace and kissed me. And when his lips met mine, all of the doubts flew from my mind. What was I, crazy? I couldn't run away. Wherever Tobias was, that was where I belonged.  
  
Finally, the tears that had been building in my eyes overflowed. I don't know whether it was from happiness, love, fear or guilt. I just know that my inner turmoil was being released, and Tobias was holding me in his arms and I felt safe.  
  
He carefully led me over to a log and sat me down. My tears increased until I was sobbing into his shoulder. He had his arms around me, wasn't saying anything. Just being there for me.  
  
After a little while I calmed down. I looked up at Tobias, wondering what he was thinking. "Feel better?" he asked. I nodded. "Well, um, Rachel...so you heard me, huh?"  
  
I laughed a little and gave him a kiss. "Embarassed?"  
  
"No. I meant everything I said. I thought I was going to go crazy, Rachel. I love you too much to lose you. Promise me, if you ever have a problem, you'll tell someone about it."  
  
"I thought you wouldn't understand...."  
  
"Rachel... we all understand. All of us are just barely dealing with this stupid war. You think we aren't affected by it? We don't think any less of you. In fact, we were all really worried about you. Jake thought it was all his fault, Cassie was panicking, and I think even Marco was upset."  
  
"How about Ax?"  
  
"I think Ax knew all along that you'd be okay. He said that you were strong... That he was only worried you'd be found by the Yeerks."  
  
I made a face. "I really screwed up, huh?"  
  
Tobias shook his head and looked into my eyes. Despite my hunger, and being so tired I could barely sit up, my heart skipped a beat and my insides melted just looking at him. "No, you did what you needed to do. But you got us all really worried. Rachel, you know how many people were looking for you? We got the Chee to help out and cover for us, Erek is making sure you weren't captured, the Hork-Bajir sent out a search party, and we've been looking all over for you."  
  
I felt really guilty. "They've all been searching for me this long? They must be tired."  
  
Tobias shook his head. "No, I just got the Hork-Bajir a little while ago. Erek went down to the Pool this morning, and Marco, Jake and Cassie got as much sleep as they could. Ax went back to his scoop a few hours ago, I think."  
  
"And you?" I asked softly.  
  
Tobias looked a little shy. "I wasn't going to sleep while you were missing. I've been looking for you since you left. I..."  
  
I put my finger to his mouth, silencing him, and leaned in to kiss him.  
  
In that instant, I knew. Whatever happened, my friends would always be there for me. I'd be okay. Better than okay. I had Tobias. And as we sat there, kissing beside the lake, I couldn't think of anywhere I'd rather be. I was home.  
  
iRun away, run awaybr  
Wanna hold onto you but you're going awaybr  
But you're leaving todaybr  
But you're leaving today/i  
  
  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Woo ! That was supposed to be a short fic ! Well, thanks for reading it. It was my first, as you know, and I'd really appreciate any reviews. Thanks to Michela, and Emily, for being my readers and helping me when I had writer's block. The lyrics, of course, are from "Falls Apart" by Sugar Ray. I know I skipped a part, but it didn't fit the story. Anyway, Animorphs belongs to the wonderful, magnificent KAA (all hail KAA !), Sugar Ray's lyrics belong to them, and I'd die a happy person if I owned either. But I don't. So I'll have to keep on living. If you think the ending is too mushy, I should write again, or if you think I should drop dead from a flesh eating disease, tell me !   
  
  
  



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